Saturday, March 24, 2012, 10:48 PM
Really wish to air out all the thoughts in me right now.
With my first thought..Growing up in this society in this day and time, we tend to be what society wants us to be rather than what we really want to be. Afraid of being ostracized, we hide our real thoughts and emotions and grow up to be what others think we should be. Is there really a proper way of growing up? Is there really a right image to portray? Which is more important? Being respected and miserable or being looked down upon but happy? Though the latter may seem impossible since being looked down upon makes one miserable isn't it? But if we were that ignorant about what people think of us, instead we become what we wish to be. How would anyone looking down upon us affect us? I really wish to grow up being someone that I want to be instead of someone society wants me to be. Where is the fun in that? Doing the things I'm supposed to do, living my life the way I'm supposed to. If only I was brave enough to step out of this comfort zone and be the person I want to be.
On to the second thought that is crossing my mind.. I have never felt this unwanted before. It kind of makes me want to avoid everyone right now. The feeling that's being given off is one of fake emotions and wanting, exactly the same way I felt the previous time. Going to do the smart thing from now on, avoid. Why get yourself involved in something or someone which you know does not really want you to be around? Really, the best thing you can do is avoid. I really don't like being treated this way and I really don't like to be looked upon that way. I am me. You who don't know me, should never judge me in your eyes. Likewise, I won't judge you. The feeling of being unwanted really sucks and I really can't shake off the feeling. Thinking back about some things I said in the past towards a certain someone makes my skin crawl and makes me realize that maybe that was the clue then. The way I got that reply, maybe.. that person was being obvious enough about not wanting me around. I should have got the clue then. But.. then why bother continue communicating with me? I'm really confused right now but I guess it's because people change. When we change, our thoughts change and I guess our relationship too? I really should avoid this kind of things from now on.
And on to the third thought.. It's my future, I have sorted it out. But would you let me do as I want? Would you have the confidence in me to let me do what I think is right? Do you really think you know the best for me in this case? You have absolutely no idea/clue about this field, so why act like you do? Why bother asking them when neither of them know about this field too? Can't you just trust me, trust me that I am mature enough to plan it out myself? Why can't any of you see that I am mature enough. In fact, I am way mature compared to him. So trust me.. why won't you guys trust me? It hurts me so much.
On to the final thought.. I know practice makes perfect. That's precisely why I practice so much. I can see the improvement and for that I am really glad. I appreciate the fact that I have improved. I hope that I can hit the standard that I am aiming for. If I can't, I really have no idea what to do from there on. But instead of thinking of the worst, I shall only look at the positive side and firmly believe that I can improve to the standard I am aiming for. I will prove it to everyone that they were wrong in looking down on me.
Sad thoughts crosses my mind and really crushes my spirit.
