Monday, November 16, 2009, 1:16 AM
i dont say what is in my mind to the people that it is concerned with.
which always ultimately causes lots of troubles in the end.
otherwise it wont cause any trouble because i just bear it all on my own.
it causes me heartbreak but i wont say.
because i do not want you to be burdened with my problems.
but life is just like this.
not saying anything wont do any of us good.
but what if.
what if saying just causes things to get worse?
then what am i supposed to do?
i admit.
this is the last time.
if anything happens to us.
i will stop believing in that word anymore.
that word. to me. is called love.
which i dont know if i will ever believe again.
falling every time from all these nonsense and picking up all the broken pieces.
is it really all that worth it?
i tell myself, that it is. for you.
because i really do love you.
i admit. at the starting until recently.
it took me a lot to tell myself.
to tell myself that i do trust you.
it wasn't easy, but along the way.
there were things that happened.
things that touched my heart.
mushy as it may, i really am that sentimental a person.
i admit that on my part.
i give in easily and i never want people to worry.
so i take it all on my own, even if tears flood my heart and i have to let it all out.
i admit. im not even half a optimistic person.
people are right when they tell me their first impression of me.
I AM an emo person.
i dont deny that fact.
in fact, i embrace it with my all.
I'm proud to be one.
At least it proves that, i have feelings.
unlike some.
which brings me to another person.
you really have lost faith to humanity.
but that doesn't mean you should take it out on me.
you expect me to change my whole life for you.
but ask yourself.
who are you to me?
you are my friend.
but as a friend.
would you want your friend that you never wish to lose in your life.
to be sad and miserable for the rest of her life just to accomodate you?
is it really a must for us to do this?
you asked.
why i changed for others and not for you.
let me ask you.
when did i change for others?
every change that i make.
i make it for myself.
i will never change myself just for others.
if you don't like me.
that's your fucking problem.
because i couldn't be more than bothered about what you think.
i will be who i want myself to be.
and not who you want me to be.
why is it that so many people in my life.
they come along and want to change me.
do i look like a fucking doll for you to use and manipulate?
just because i'm quiet, just because i don't shoot you back after you comment on stuff.
it doesn't mean i won't hold a grudge or take revenge.
because the truth is.
i'm a very vengeful person.
i will fight back.
don't expect me to be like some idiot sitting there and letting you abuse me.
because i never will be that type of person.
if you don't wanna be friends because of this.
there's nothing i can do.
it's your decision.
but just let me tell you how i feel.
im fucking disappointed in you.
so fuck off and leave me be.
because i think that might be the best thing.
being your friend just makes me go through shit everyday.
i feel like im in an emotional turmoil.
going through it everyday is gonna kill me sooner or later.
i want to just live.
and you are right jas,
i do worry.
i'm scared of that girl.
but i have to believe, right?
but can i just depend on belief on its own?
it's the person's choice.
not mine.
how can belief help.
i hate that feeling.
that feeling of __.
